I’m having the ultimate “bad mom” day here.
I’ve been out of sorts for a few days; so has the hubby. If I may confess, I haven’t been very nice.
I think I posted about the book Grieve Create Believe. A dear friend, who has also lost a child, gifted me with it. It came on my daughter’s birthday (I must have blocked that out, but the date is written in the front. In my handwriting.) Well, after I layed on my bed and prayed through Psalm 6, I picked it up and read a few pages. It’s one of those types of books. No pressure.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks: it’s been 20 months. TWENTY. 611 days, 14685 hours, 88119 minutes. 87 weeks, 2 days. (thanks, Google) And my bad mom moment came when I realized that I had totally forgotten about the date this month. And, last month. In fact, I think I haven’t counted months since March.
Why does that make me a bad mom? Who knows. But it may have something to do with Psalm 6.
8 Depart from me, all you workers of evil,
for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping.
9 The Lord has heard my plea;
the Lord accepts my prayer.
10 All my enemies shall be ashamed and greatly troubled;
they shall turn back and be put to shame in a moment.
The enemy of my soul does NOT want me to trust God with my grief, or the process of grieving. The enemy of my soul wants me to stay in the crushed, destroyed, empty state I was in 611 days ago. Stunned and shocked and unable to string sentences together.
I was not, and am not now, a bad mom. Sure, I can be a bad human, because I am still a sinner, saved by grace. I get mad, I even cuss at times (heavens to Betsy!), I get impatient, and on and on. But, there are enemies out there who want me to think that I’m a bad mom, to go down Regret Road, to weep over what can no longer be and be consumed by guilt, shame and doubt.
I’ve got news for you, you old serpent…
My GOD is a God of restoration. He’s a pain taker, waymaker, freedom offering Savoir.
And that is all I need.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Grieving friend, walk with your head high. Yes, it hurts. Oh, dear God, it hurts. And yet, with Him, we can walk through it and come out stronger.
Some songs that help. Yes, cry. Tears wash the pain and sanctify it.
Tell Your Heart To Beat Again, Danny Gokey
Chain Breaker, Zach Williams
Wonderful, Merciful Savior, Selah